I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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