the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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