i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize