drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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