do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
