OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
