I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
