I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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