so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
