Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
