john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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