I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
