Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
