dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
