we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
