I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
