You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
