I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
