I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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