my being single is dangerous.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
