Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
