one word: firstdatebathroomanal
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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