just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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