ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
