He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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