He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
