First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
