I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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