Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
