The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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