Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
