I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to calm my uterus...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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