Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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