Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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