So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
