he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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