Who did Billy Mays play for?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize