gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
