at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
