I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
