Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
