it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
