You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
