My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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