I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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