What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
