i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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