So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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