What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
