I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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