New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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