An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
