Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
