I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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