i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize