Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
